Discomfort means you are closer to change!

Slip and Slide

We were headed over to Monticello about five this evening to go see Mort and Nicole's new baby, when a turn of events occured that could have been deadly. As we were coming out of the Devils Canyon dip, we began to slip and slide and for an instance I could tell Tanner felt it was something we could easily come out of, but..... we didn't. Luckily Tanner knew how to somewhat control the wheel without us over correcting, but it was still so scary. This is the first time I have ever been in a situation where I have felt completely powerless. Its so wierd because it all happened so fast, and yet it was the longest 10 seconds of my life, realizing that the next moments could be fatal for Tanner and I, but more importantly our sleeping babies in the back seat. I keep replaying it in my mind over and over and over again. When Tanner knew that it was officially out of his control to recover us from hydroplaning, you could tell that he was devastated for our family's sake. It will be engraven into my mind forever the way he told me, "I'm so sorry babe," as it was happening. I know Tanner's heart and I know that it was aching something fierce knowing that it was likely that our children could be severely injured or even killed. "I'm so sorry babe".... He looked back at Pearce and Parx as he said that to me. This is a man that genuinely cares for his family. He genuinely cares about his wife, who happens to be me. Although it was scary looking into the unknown of the next couple seconds, I have never felt so protected. I felt a jolt of love envelop our entire car, especially after the storm had calmed and we realized we were still alive and our beautiful boys had slept thru the entire kerfuffle. I know with certainty that we were watched over today by a loving Father, but I also sense a great deal that this was mean't to be a lesson for both Tanner and I, but especially me as I justify my food addiction on a daily basis. I recieved conformation from God that Tanner loves me enough to try and save my life and my babies lives, and that Jesus Christ truly will make up the difference if I just try. I use the addiction to make up for my losses instead of relying on the Savior of the World. I think its time.

It truly is thru works.... In every way

I find myself sitting waiting for blessings. I sleep in, and then wonder why I am so stressed as I try to clean, cook, wipe bottoms and play with Pearce all at the same time. When I have clarity enough to wake up, that is God blessing me with the strength to realize that it is time to get up to try and get a headstart before the kiddos wake up, so when they do, its about them and not about the dirty dishes piled high, or the laundry. For those of you that are on top of these seemingly simple tasks, don't laugh at me for my only recent realization of the repurcussions of waking up late.... hmm hmm 11 a.m. haha Pitiful. For the longest time I have separated God's promise of blessings from ordinary moments, because I felt they was something that you only recieve when you are fully worthy, or when you do things almost perfect. Well, I now know that particular mentality that I have lived with for so many years is a lie. It roots back to my parents relationship before the divorce and after. Its something I will always acknowledge to remind my self that the Atonement of Jesus Christ has and will always save me from my mistakes. And that doing things perfectly ISN'T what determines whether I will be loved and accepted. As a young girl, I watched my mom work so hard and constantly get shut out from much needed love and companionship. But I know now that this unfortunate situation involved alot of different components. There was a severe alcohol addiction involved, infidelity and other personal doubts on both ends of the spectrum that came from childhood and adulthood. I don't know the extent of it, but I know what an addiction does and doesn't do and I know that it will scream at the top of its lungs to cover up the truth and love. With that said, I will never ever believe that there wasn't love some where in that relationship because it just isn't true. We are made for love and forgiveness. We come from a source of love and devotion and we were sent to develope all that is good and uncover truth. Even those with addictions and lifestyles that don't directly coincide with the principles of the gospel, I know desire truth. It's hard to not love those in your life that are honest with you, even if they put your ego in its place. In the moment you might be defensive and uncomfortable, but then down the road you look back and say, wow he/she really cared about me, even thru a severe addiction or whatever trial it may be.

Don't lose your head over spilt milk

What would the world be like if crayon on the living room wall was just that, crayon on a living room wall and a pretty picture that was inspired by the imagination of a little boy that can be both admired.... and washed off :) Just look on pinterest :) No fussing. What would the world be like if we all lived with genuine intention to save energy for the things that are most important and to rid of distractions that leave us only wanting more rather than being deeply satisfied with the good that is right in front of us.... and inside of us. That alone (what is inside) is where the worlds change and mentalities shift to the divine who is responsible for love, forgiveness, and determination. If it can be mopped up,picked up, washed off, or erased don't fret and if it it can't.... still don't fret. Just "talk nice" like Pearce always tells me :) I know that he gets these truths straight from heaven.

Day 5 - January 18th: The Binge

Breakfast: 1/2 c. oatmeal with brown sugar, cinnamon, and walnuts. Lunch: Salad with spinach, chicken, olive oil vinagrette and other veggies, little bites of Pearce's turkey sandwhich, a sucker (organic if that matters), orange, and a few walnuts. Dinner: Some leftover pasta and kale, some leftover beans, rice, and veggies with cheese, a small salad with bell peppers, cabbage, and romaine, 1 orange. Binge: What could have only been 1 piece of bread with butter, turned into: 4 or 5 pieces of bread with butter, 2 cheese sandwhiches with turkey and miracle whip, 2 or 3 cups of ice cream smothered in chocolate syrup and some candy........... (Sigh) Thoughts: Tanner is gone and it was cold so I just went outside to get wood to add to the fire. As I was adding the last log to what was already a blazing fire, I couldn't fit the dang thing in there right. I kept maneuvering to try to squeeze it in and it caught on fire and I maneuvered some more and much to my dismay, some how that stupid log cleared the stove doorway. It really was a miracle. Heavenly Father was gracious enough to see that tonight wasn't even the slightest bit convenient to learn fire safety the hard way and for that I am soooooooooo grateful! Note to self: Thank Tanner for doing this part of our life together because its not easy! 4:15 p.m. My dad came over to see us earlier today. He played with Pearce then we went to lunch. While he was playing with Pearce, I noticed anxiety arise in myself. I must describe to you what I was feeling as we were playing catch with a football. I would throw it to Pearce and brighteyed, he would try to catch it and throw it back and we would do it again and every once in a while he would catch it. But I couldn't help but recognize the same feeling I felt when I played ball lingering in the air. I found myself desperately needing my dads approval for my sweet little boy as he played, much like I desperately needed it when I played. He dropped the ball a couple times and of course, pertaining to Pearce, that didn't matter to me, but like I said, in that moment, I was reintroduced to a strong need for acceptance and understanding, so I must admit that I cringed a little bit whenever he did drop the ball. That sounds so dumb, but its true. After the divorce, I didn't see my dad very often, except at my games, so when I would play, I really wanted to show him that I was good so he would love me and keep coming. But being the human that I am, I made mistakes and those mistakes, in my mind, became much more than a single moment in a ball game, they became me. I let them. I just want Pearce to know that ITS OK TO MAKE MISTAKES AND ITS OK TO DROP THE BALL. 7:10 p.m. I'm sorta having a crisis. Tanner is gone and I've eaten dinner already, but its friday and I'm stressed, so I feel like I need something more! I ate some peanut butter, greek yogurt, and honey and then drank two full glasses of water and although my stomach is obviously full, I can't ignore this empty feeling. I'm afraid where this feeling may end up. 8:10 p.m. I'm having a hard time making sense of this desperation I am experiencing. It usually feels like extreme hunger but this time it is a desperate need to relieve my fear of being hungry. It feels forbidden. I am laying in bed, worrying about what I might do to defeat the progress that I have made. It would be so easy. I'm afraid that unconsciously it will happen. My mind is giving me two options: to binge or not to binge; nothing in between. And I know it is because I believe there is no forgiveness. But from who is the real question. Who am I trying to prove my worth to by being a perfect eater? 9:32 p.m. I fell and I fell hard. It started with a piece of bread with butter then turned into several pieces of bread with butter, to a couple cheese sandwhiches with a thick layer of miracle whip on both and then finished with ice cream smothered in chocolate syrup. ( I have been terrified of that ice cream just sitting there waiting for me to dive in, all week) 10:00 p.m. I am so confused right now and ashamed. I can't even look at myself in the mirror. I have picked the crap out of my arms because I'm so upset at myself for what I've done. Pearce just told me to stop hurting my arms. Wow, my two year old shouldn't have to be responsible for that. From a bystanders perspective (hmm hmm little innocent Pearce), I am certain these two extreme behaviors are hard to watch but I never think about that in the moment. Poor Pearce. This is so wrong. 10:15 p.m. I feel so alone. I don't want Pearce to fall asleep, I want him to hold me. I want him to hold me and tell me that it's going to be ok in the morning and that I'm not a failure and that I will still be able to walk on the treadmill and feel strong and still be able to take care of him and Parxy by myself with ease......... I'm so afraid of tomorrow.

Day 4 - January 17th: Holy Tangerine snowcone!

Breakfast: 1/2 c. oatmeal with brown sugar and cinnamon. Lunch: 1/2 c. cottage cheese, a bowl of multigrain pasta with butter, kale and kidney beans, 1 orange. Dinner: Large romaine salad with red and green cabbage, 1 mini cucumber, onion slices, bell peppers, mushrooms, a little sprinkle of cheese, 2 tbs. light ranch and a little deli ham; 1 orange. Thoughts: Wow, I FEEL AMAZING! I just finished walking for 20 minutes at an incline of 8 and speed of 3.8. It was painful but I got thru it and the aftermath felt that much better because I did! My brain fog that I have enabled in the past with my destructive eating patterns is gone! This is huge because it usually lingers in my head all day. I have grown accustomed to it to the point I began to believe it was normal. Its good to know that you are not mean't to feel that way, because it puts you in an extreme state of unawareness. 10:15 a.m. Pearce got this little turtle toy the other day and I've noticed that he has been calling him "Frank". I assume he is refering to him as Frankin the turtle off of Nick Jr., although we never watch Nick Jr. so I really honestly don't know where he got it from; it might just be a coincidence. Anyway, while he was in the bath he told me to go get Frank so he could play with him in the water. So as I handed him the turtle and said, "Here is Frank," he quickly corrected me by saying, "That's not Frank mom, that's just a toy turtle, this is Frank," as he pointed to the empty space next to him. Haha Ever since he has been looking to the side of himself telling Frank to eat breakfast and make soup and put lotion on. It was super cute. He has quite the imagination. 11:35 a.m. I just had the sweetest moment with Parxy. He usually has a tough time getting to sleep. He wiggles and cries and the frustrated mom usually comes out in me but this time it didn't have to. I wrapped him up in a burrito and he didn't fight it at all! He looked up at me in amazement that I am his momma and that I love him. I felt an extreme sense of love in what was only an ordinary moment. Since I have been exercising my mind to change my perspective on ordinary things, I have had an intense sense of peace overcome me knowing that what I hold so dear in my life really won't be snatched from my hands because it is good and I am doing the best that I can to preserve the sacredness of of it all. I believe God's plan is for us to go forward doing good because it is desperately needed in this world. So as I looked down at my beautiful baby boy batting those long beautiful eyelashes, over those piercing brown eyes, I knew that in that cetain moment it was right and it was real and the only way it would disappear is if I myself would checkout..... And I didn't. 12:33 a.m. I just bit into an orange and suprised myself with an over dramatic reaction to its taste, and the reaction was genuine, I wasn't trying to convince Pearce it tasted good or anything like that, it was a reaction mean't for me! As I bit into that ordinary fruit, it was like eating a tangerine snowcone on the Fourth of July! It really tasted that sweet! I am not exaggerating! I do not remember the last time I had such a reaction to a natural treat until today. I haven't used very much salt or oil in my cooking in the last four days and I know without a doubt that this is why my taste buds are so excited and suprised! Wow! Note to self! 12:42 p.m. So I sit here panicking inside because I'm watching a movie with Pearce and I know that my house needs attention. Even at this very moment I am looking down at a big pile of clean clothes that need to be folded, and also a huge pile that needs to be washed. I am wondering what will happen if I enjoy this movie with Pearce and "Frank" and not worry about it, because I am not feeling it at all. Here I go.... I hope the atmosphere doesn't suck me into a black abyss.... ;)

Day 3 - January 16th: Don't cry, its just Taebo!

Waist 43.5" Breakfast: 1 small apple & orange, 1/2 c. oatmeal with brown sugar and cinnamon, 1 egg & 1 egg white, mixed with a little milk, ham, and spinach. Lunch: Orange slices, 1/2 c. cottage cheese, the rest of this mornings eggs, Huge salad with 1/2 c. kidney beans, bell peppers, red and green cabbage, romaine, 1 oz. sunflower seeds and ranch spray. Dinner: Black bean burrito with sauteed bell peppers & onions, southwest sauce, tomatoes, whole grain rice, and a side of sauteed veggies and black beans; 1 orange. 1:16 a.m. Note to self - I usually am exponentially irritated that I have to get up several times during the night to take care of baby and "no one else" has to. But I am not right now and I do not believe that it is for no reason. I have ate well only for two days and exercised the equivalent of one hour and I HAVE NEVER FELT THIS GOOD. My anger, irritability, frustrations and attitude towards Tanner feels rested. I usually am on the defense. It pains me to say it, but its true. I JUST FEEL PEACE & CALM, AND I KNOW FOR A FACT IT IS NOT A COINCIDENCE. THIS IS WHAT FULLY LIVING THE GOSPEL OF JESUS CHRIST FEELS LIKE AND I LOVE IT. 10:50 a.m. I just finished walking for 20 minutes, incline 8 at 3.8 speed. I've done this for the last three days and it has been hard for me. But for some reason, today was easier but at the same time the hardest day yet. I guess what I am meaning is that physically I was able to get through it but mentally, I barely made it. I think it must be because I feel obligated to keep doing the same thing and even though my body is getting strong enough to push through it each day, I feel that if I stop I will have failed. Between the physical strain and mental doubt that was occuring, I was transported back to the days where health was all that mattered to me. I remember being on the treadmill jogging in high school and recall feeling my body tell me to stop or slow down but instead I would keep going until the point of crying or I would stop and hate myself for the rest of the day. Either way I would cry. Thats how extreme I was. I also recall doing taebo in the living room and remember having to start over if I messed up. If I missed a kick I would start over and do every kick again. There were days that my body couldn't bear it being that I wouldn't miss a day and that I am human, but I would still make my self do it and I would cry the whole way thru. After I had Pearce I started doing a Jillian Michaels DVD and the same thing would happen. This is something I knew wasn't right, but I kept doing it because at the time "it made me feel loved, accepted and people were proud of me". I am trying to run after that young girl to tell her none of what she believed was even true. That is my goal here. 5:20 p.m. I felt it much easier to have compassion and love for Pearce and Parx today. Pearce's cousin came over and they fought and whined just like little boys do, and I just rolled with it. Normally it would give me anxiety. 9:00 p.m. Tanner and Pearce left so I panicked after dinner. It's just one of those nights where I am afraid of not getting enough. So I finished Pearce's burrito and my mind kind of went bazurk over that because I promised myself I wouldn't eat cheese. So this is me redirecting my self back to what is most important, and that is the fact that I am not deprived - I have Jesus Christ and my family to live for. That being said, there is mass confusion in my brain right now and I feel like I need to go to the kitchen to compensate for what I might lose out on. That probably doesn't make sense. I better go to bed.

Day 2 - January 15th: Wow, my tastebuds thank you Bell Pepper!

Breakfast: 1 serving plain cherrios with 1% milk, orange slices, a couple almonds, 1 glass of water. Lunch: 1 apple, a couple walnuts, Bell pepper slices, cucumber slices. Dinner: 1 c. multigrain pasta with ICBINB Butter mixed with cooked kale and 1/2 c. black beans, diced tomatoes; Large Romaine salad with carrots Note: The salad (especially considering the size) really curbed my appetite eating the pasta. The pasta was delicious & normally I would want more, but like I said, I didn't crave it! Thoughts: (Note to self) 11:00 a.m. IT FELT SO MUCH BETTER TO WAKE UP REFRESHED from eating healthy all day yesterday, as opposed to binge eating on non nutrient foods all day just to go to bed and wake up not refreshed. GOD GAVE US FOOD TO REPAIR OUR BODIES AND MOST IMPORTANTLY OUR MINDS. Think of food as fuel, instead of as a coping mechanism. 5:45 p.m. I just bit into a fresh bell pepper and my taste buds were ignited! They reacted with extreme gusto! It was so good and it saddens me to say that it been a while since I've had a reaction to a vegetable like that ;)

Day 1 - January 14th: Always be prepared!

Breakfast Wgt. 205lbs Waist 45" 1/2 c. oatmeal, no milk, cinnamon and walnuts 1 apple Some spinach Lunch Salad - red cabbage, Romaine, 1 garden carrot, 1 mini cucumber, 1 serving lowfat balsamic ranch spray, 1 oz. sunflower seeds orange slices 1 piece of gum - polar ice Dinner Some sweet potato fries (baked with canola spray) 1/2 c.low fat cottage cheese 1 medium tomato 3/4 c. black beans (non canned) 1/4 c. Grandma Joey's salsa 1 orange Thoughts: Note to self - A healthy waistline for a woman is 35".... Better keep that in mind. After exercising in the morning, I felt so good! Considering all the cheese, bread, and ice cream I ate last night. I definitely could tell I was weak from eating all that garbage while I was walking although. It wasn't worth it. Eating the oatmeal really kept me full for quite a while through the day. The gigantic salad I ate DEFINITELY kept me full, helping with the habitual cravings I get a night. I spent five hours at Grandpa Bayles' house without sneaking any of his treats! That is huge! haha Pitiful. I went prepared with a salad and a healthy lunch for Pearce as well. Note to self, ALWAYS BE PREPARED.

Ready, Set, Go!

So normally I would unconsiously make this about weight loss and improving my self physically but I desperately do not want it to turn into that, because THAT IS NOT WHAT IT IS ABOUT. I am an extremist when it comes to focusing on anything, so it frightens me, the thought of losing weight, because of all the components attached. Thats why I am here, to rest that need for perfection. To realize making a mistake and recovering from it is ok. That being said I better address the history of my extreme behavior to try to make sense of it all. To try to heal from these self defeating patterns that have restricted my quality of life. I will return!

Grams

8:22 p.m. (Yesterday) I just found out that my grandma had a stroke a couple of hours ago . She recently underwent heart surgery on top of another invasive surgery to remove cancer in her stomach, so this is very detrimental to her health . The last couple weeks I have got to spend some time with her while she recovered from her heart surgery and it has made me think about what it means to live and die . I would walk around in her house and picture her and grandpa laughing so hard at each other, or even themselves because thats who they are . Thats how they lived . It was always so "light" going to grandpa and grandma Shumways house. I remember sitting around their baby blue kitchen, eating leftover pie while listening to grandpa "try" to condense a really funny story down . Haha that never ever happened, because he was a storyteller, he couldn't bare to leave out a detail . :)Thinking back, I'm glad he didn't . haha I picture grandma getting that smurk on her face as he carried on telling his stories . The connection they have will be forever timeless . To me, they are a perfect example of what it means to cherish life . So as I sit her and try to live my life moment to moment, I wonder why I'm so afraid to live it as lightheartedly as they did and treat it with more respect? I'm picturing her in the hospital right now, trying not to be afraid that these are her last moments or near to her last . Now, I'm not saying that these are her last moments, but so much has happened to her little body recently with the cancer and heart surgery, it just makes you wonder what is next for her . I pray that she will make it thru for atleast another couple of years! But one thing that grams told me after she was first diagnosed with cancer was that she wasn't afraid because either way she wins :) She would love to stick around a while longer with us but she also wasn't opposed to being reunited with grandpa Kenny. :) I believe that too . I don't think she is just saying that to grant us all relief of her own personal fears . She knows what life is about and she truly believes in God's plan for us . I desperately want to defend my own life from my self, especially right now knowing that she is fighting for hers . Its arrogant of me to disrespect my body and life the way that I am . Its selfish of me to not take care of my self because the way I am each day directly affects my family . I keep asking my self. . . . What is it going to take for you to change Emma, for you to cherish life and grab hold of all the good things you are pushing away out of fear? Embarassment? A million dollars? Diabetes?! Well this is no longer a question, and really never has been . I have known all along that this is about HUMILITY . This is about truly relying on the selfless act of the Atonement through my Savior Jesus Christ . This is about being brave and willing to sacrafice in the face of extreme defeat and fear . I no longer want to be dead while I am alive . Its time to be fully engaged in life .

Finding solace amongst chaos

12:15 p.m. Just got home from picking Pearce up from preschool. Its a nice day so he is asking me to play with him out in the snow. I can't cuz baby is crying and needs me inside. 12:18 p.m. We are in the house now. I'm looking for something for Pearce to do online, color or do puzzles because he keeps saying, "Play with me, play with me!" over and over again. I put the baby in the swing but he's wiggling.... oh hes getting ready to cry... oh where the hell is the binky... oh here it is. Thank goodness. Ok why isn't this game loading? The baby isn't having it in the swing, he wants me to pick him up. Ok, I am holding him now. Is he hungry? No, hes still spitting up from last time. Does need a diaper change? (Looking...) No, not wet or poopy. Ok, I can do this..."Mom, I want to play a game, where is my game?!" "I'm working on it Pearce." Squirmy baby, squirmy baby. "Mom I'm hungrrry!" Cryyyying baby please don't hate me!!!!!!!!!!!! hahahahhahahhahahahahahha.... Yes indeed, that is the sinister laugh of a mad person. ;) 12:45 p.m. Just ate lunch. (Overate to be exact) I am sitting down now. I'm watching Pocahontas with Pearce. I'm super stirred up inside.... I shouldn't be sitting down, there is alot to do. I'm still hungry. Breathe Emma. Just calm down. Thinking, calming down, watching Pocahontas. I forgot how much I like this movie. Oh look at Pearce, he loves this..... 12:50 p.m. Still watching Pocahontas with Pearce. NOT HUNGRY ANYMORE.

Just for the record...

8:13 I've been noticing extreme weakness in my joints and muscles and I don't exercise enough for it to be from that. This morning I got up to turn my alarm off and my knees completely buckled under me and I fell down. That has never happened to me...ever, unless I just finished doing 18 on the line at volleyball. haha Ya that was like 5 years ago.... so it couldn't be that. Emma, your not saying this as if you don't already know what is going on. Your body is so hungry for proper nutrients! Quit playing Russian roulette here! Its not a coincidence that you ate all that sugar last night and this happened this morning. You have noticed a decline in strength EVERYTIME YOU'VE WOKE UP for the past several months and it just so happens that your eating patterns have gone down the crapper ever since..... NOTE TO SELF.

"Mama lets Cuddle"

10:15 p.m. I forgot to mention that before I went to the store, I went to Subway and ate 4 double chocolate cookies.... yyyaaaa :/ I told my self I would be honest throughout this process, so thats why I must not leave out that not so minor detail. Emma, you have to realize what the repercussions of continuing this dangerous path is. Well first of all, physically your poor body is drained from all the sugar and processed foods that you insist on eating in large quantities. Why isn't that enough to stop? But more importantly, you are lying to your self and your family. When you make this gluttonous decision over and over again, you invite chaos into your home life. You seem to do this at night mostly, and night time needs to be a calm, winding down time for your family. You have the responsibility of putting your kids to bed and helping them settle in calmly and comfortably for the night. So lets recollect on the series of events after you ate all that sugar, what happened? The first thing you did was get on the computer to cope with your bad decision when Pearce and Parx desperately needed your attention. Pearce needs structure at night. Please don't disregard this post Emma. Who more than your self, in the moment of realization can give you better advice?

Emma, seriously?

8:30 p.m. I just got back from the store. I thought of a reason to go so I could get a treat. How pitiful is that, I couldn't even make it through the night. $1.50 cherry cordials are not good.... And yet I bought them and after about the fifth I kept going. I seriously was about to gag and I paused thinking about what my options were and for some reason was frightened of not finishing them. The good news is, I didn't finish all of them cuz I came to the realization they are the equivalent of cherry cough syrup syringed inside of really cheap chocolate, so there for I decided they weren't worth it. But still, sitting in my driveway I was soooo very hesitant to throw them in the trash. I felt I was losing something so significant. Sorry that this is sooooooo revealing, but I need to know that someone knows what is going on so I will be motivated to change. Don't feel sorry for me when you read this cuz this is a huge gigantic step to confront my fears and past.... this is a happy moment haha .... In a totally awkward way ;) Thanks!

Mirror Image

3:20 p.m. I just pulled Pearce around in his sled that grandma Charlie got him for Christmas and IT WASN'T FUN . I WAS SO TIRED after one time around the house . Pearce is "feeding me" bark "marshmallows" as I write this on the porch, as if I have time to pretend . He's so childish . Why won't he just let me go inside and clean?! Tanner is going to be here in ten minutes and the house is a disaster! He will act like he is ok with the mess and tell me that it is ok, but deep down he must be thinking, "What the hell has she been doing all day?" . And as much as I would like to say, "I've been trying to play with Pearce to protect him from loneliness and to make him feel more special than the laundry and dishes that I will just being doing again tomorrow", its easier to just eat a half a loaf of bread before he comes so I will be able to deal with it later. Pearce is pretending to cook dinner with some sticks he found . I remember doing that as a kid . . . . While mom would be inside slaving away for an approval that should of come natural . . . . but didn't . And all of her hard work, I remember would go down the drain cuz we were just kids and didn't care to be clean . Looking back I wish I could of kept it clean for her, to help her save some sanity . Gosh, I wish Pearce wouldn't sit here and cook pretend pizza in his pretend oven and look up wondering why I don't understand CUZ THE TRUTH IS I DO, but I don't want to go back there again .

My addiction

Sometimes I feel like it would be way easier to admit to murder than reveal that I AM A FOOD ADDICT. Pheww! I survived saying it ;)I have been dodging the details of the reasons I created this blog people... To those who know me well, you probably suspected this all along:) They say the truth will set you free, so here I go. I have had an unhealthy relationship with food ever since I can remember, which translates into the age of about 11. I would like to confront this from the very beginning but inorder to do this I will need some alone time, which I do not have at the moment, so I will be back presently. Thanks!

Note to self

Don't be afraid to re-energize your home with love and acceptance.  Do what you can to add to the spirit.  Although it is hard, humble your self and take the lead if you have to.  Encourage scripture study, encourage family prayer and REMEMBER, to criticize will only deter from the spirit, even if you think you have a legitimate reason to criticize.  (ex. Football is just habit for Tanner after church.  Learn to accept it and enjoy it with him until you think of a way to implement ways to honor the sabbath day)  But seriously, stop with the hidden agenda crap..... SATAN ABSOLUTELY LOVES IT!

Random thought: Today it is more of an offense to offend those that offend God than it is to offend God Himself.  To work hard and inturn acknowledge a Creator and exude gratitude to Him for your blessings and success is considered self righteous and arrogant....(hmm hmm, Mitt Romney).

Doctrine and Covenants 6:36
Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not.

Mormon 1:7
"I do not know all things, but the Lord knoweth all things which are to come; wherefore He worketh in me to do according to His will."

I recently listened to some of C.S. Lewis' Mere Christianity and recall a few different points he made.  He talked of a simple, yet universal principle that there is good and evil.  And that good is of God and evil is of Satan.  I think growing up, with out even realizing it, I became desensitized to this concept.  It didn't seem real to me or "close", if that makes sense.  I am now learning that this isn't just church talk.  I have been paying close attention to the direction of my thoughts and ideas and I know that it truly is a battle for our souls up there.  Think how powerful our world could be if we trained our minds to, in the moment, distinguish the difference from good and evil, virtue and vice.  And inturn, fight for the truth!  And tell Satan to shut the hell up!  There was so many "ands" just then, it should be illegal! ;)  It seems extreme and almost arrogant to many people, the notion to try to be more cautious of those things that are "just human nature" or "natural", because it all has become normal! That is scary!