Day 5 - January 18th: The Binge

Breakfast: 1/2 c. oatmeal with brown sugar, cinnamon, and walnuts. Lunch: Salad with spinach, chicken, olive oil vinagrette and other veggies, little bites of Pearce's turkey sandwhich, a sucker (organic if that matters), orange, and a few walnuts. Dinner: Some leftover pasta and kale, some leftover beans, rice, and veggies with cheese, a small salad with bell peppers, cabbage, and romaine, 1 orange. Binge: What could have only been 1 piece of bread with butter, turned into: 4 or 5 pieces of bread with butter, 2 cheese sandwhiches with turkey and miracle whip, 2 or 3 cups of ice cream smothered in chocolate syrup and some candy........... (Sigh) Thoughts: Tanner is gone and it was cold so I just went outside to get wood to add to the fire. As I was adding the last log to what was already a blazing fire, I couldn't fit the dang thing in there right. I kept maneuvering to try to squeeze it in and it caught on fire and I maneuvered some more and much to my dismay, some how that stupid log cleared the stove doorway. It really was a miracle. Heavenly Father was gracious enough to see that tonight wasn't even the slightest bit convenient to learn fire safety the hard way and for that I am soooooooooo grateful! Note to self: Thank Tanner for doing this part of our life together because its not easy! 4:15 p.m. My dad came over to see us earlier today. He played with Pearce then we went to lunch. While he was playing with Pearce, I noticed anxiety arise in myself. I must describe to you what I was feeling as we were playing catch with a football. I would throw it to Pearce and brighteyed, he would try to catch it and throw it back and we would do it again and every once in a while he would catch it. But I couldn't help but recognize the same feeling I felt when I played ball lingering in the air. I found myself desperately needing my dads approval for my sweet little boy as he played, much like I desperately needed it when I played. He dropped the ball a couple times and of course, pertaining to Pearce, that didn't matter to me, but like I said, in that moment, I was reintroduced to a strong need for acceptance and understanding, so I must admit that I cringed a little bit whenever he did drop the ball. That sounds so dumb, but its true. After the divorce, I didn't see my dad very often, except at my games, so when I would play, I really wanted to show him that I was good so he would love me and keep coming. But being the human that I am, I made mistakes and those mistakes, in my mind, became much more than a single moment in a ball game, they became me. I let them. I just want Pearce to know that ITS OK TO MAKE MISTAKES AND ITS OK TO DROP THE BALL. 7:10 p.m. I'm sorta having a crisis. Tanner is gone and I've eaten dinner already, but its friday and I'm stressed, so I feel like I need something more! I ate some peanut butter, greek yogurt, and honey and then drank two full glasses of water and although my stomach is obviously full, I can't ignore this empty feeling. I'm afraid where this feeling may end up. 8:10 p.m. I'm having a hard time making sense of this desperation I am experiencing. It usually feels like extreme hunger but this time it is a desperate need to relieve my fear of being hungry. It feels forbidden. I am laying in bed, worrying about what I might do to defeat the progress that I have made. It would be so easy. I'm afraid that unconsciously it will happen. My mind is giving me two options: to binge or not to binge; nothing in between. And I know it is because I believe there is no forgiveness. But from who is the real question. Who am I trying to prove my worth to by being a perfect eater? 9:32 p.m. I fell and I fell hard. It started with a piece of bread with butter then turned into several pieces of bread with butter, to a couple cheese sandwhiches with a thick layer of miracle whip on both and then finished with ice cream smothered in chocolate syrup. ( I have been terrified of that ice cream just sitting there waiting for me to dive in, all week) 10:00 p.m. I am so confused right now and ashamed. I can't even look at myself in the mirror. I have picked the crap out of my arms because I'm so upset at myself for what I've done. Pearce just told me to stop hurting my arms. Wow, my two year old shouldn't have to be responsible for that. From a bystanders perspective (hmm hmm little innocent Pearce), I am certain these two extreme behaviors are hard to watch but I never think about that in the moment. Poor Pearce. This is so wrong. 10:15 p.m. I feel so alone. I don't want Pearce to fall asleep, I want him to hold me. I want him to hold me and tell me that it's going to be ok in the morning and that I'm not a failure and that I will still be able to walk on the treadmill and feel strong and still be able to take care of him and Parxy by myself with ease......... I'm so afraid of tomorrow.