Grams

8:22 p.m. (Yesterday) I just found out that my grandma had a stroke a couple of hours ago . She recently underwent heart surgery on top of another invasive surgery to remove cancer in her stomach, so this is very detrimental to her health . The last couple weeks I have got to spend some time with her while she recovered from her heart surgery and it has made me think about what it means to live and die . I would walk around in her house and picture her and grandpa laughing so hard at each other, or even themselves because thats who they are . Thats how they lived . It was always so "light" going to grandpa and grandma Shumways house. I remember sitting around their baby blue kitchen, eating leftover pie while listening to grandpa "try" to condense a really funny story down . Haha that never ever happened, because he was a storyteller, he couldn't bare to leave out a detail . :)Thinking back, I'm glad he didn't . haha I picture grandma getting that smurk on her face as he carried on telling his stories . The connection they have will be forever timeless . To me, they are a perfect example of what it means to cherish life . So as I sit her and try to live my life moment to moment, I wonder why I'm so afraid to live it as lightheartedly as they did and treat it with more respect? I'm picturing her in the hospital right now, trying not to be afraid that these are her last moments or near to her last . Now, I'm not saying that these are her last moments, but so much has happened to her little body recently with the cancer and heart surgery, it just makes you wonder what is next for her . I pray that she will make it thru for atleast another couple of years! But one thing that grams told me after she was first diagnosed with cancer was that she wasn't afraid because either way she wins :) She would love to stick around a while longer with us but she also wasn't opposed to being reunited with grandpa Kenny. :) I believe that too . I don't think she is just saying that to grant us all relief of her own personal fears . She knows what life is about and she truly believes in God's plan for us . I desperately want to defend my own life from my self, especially right now knowing that she is fighting for hers . Its arrogant of me to disrespect my body and life the way that I am . Its selfish of me to not take care of my self because the way I am each day directly affects my family . I keep asking my self. . . . What is it going to take for you to change Emma, for you to cherish life and grab hold of all the good things you are pushing away out of fear? Embarassment? A million dollars? Diabetes?! Well this is no longer a question, and really never has been . I have known all along that this is about HUMILITY . This is about truly relying on the selfless act of the Atonement through my Savior Jesus Christ . This is about being brave and willing to sacrafice in the face of extreme defeat and fear . I no longer want to be dead while I am alive . Its time to be fully engaged in life .