Day 3 - January 16th: Don't cry, its just Taebo!

Waist 43.5" Breakfast: 1 small apple & orange, 1/2 c. oatmeal with brown sugar and cinnamon, 1 egg & 1 egg white, mixed with a little milk, ham, and spinach. Lunch: Orange slices, 1/2 c. cottage cheese, the rest of this mornings eggs, Huge salad with 1/2 c. kidney beans, bell peppers, red and green cabbage, romaine, 1 oz. sunflower seeds and ranch spray. Dinner: Black bean burrito with sauteed bell peppers & onions, southwest sauce, tomatoes, whole grain rice, and a side of sauteed veggies and black beans; 1 orange. 1:16 a.m. Note to self - I usually am exponentially irritated that I have to get up several times during the night to take care of baby and "no one else" has to. But I am not right now and I do not believe that it is for no reason. I have ate well only for two days and exercised the equivalent of one hour and I HAVE NEVER FELT THIS GOOD. My anger, irritability, frustrations and attitude towards Tanner feels rested. I usually am on the defense. It pains me to say it, but its true. I JUST FEEL PEACE & CALM, AND I KNOW FOR A FACT IT IS NOT A COINCIDENCE. THIS IS WHAT FULLY LIVING THE GOSPEL OF JESUS CHRIST FEELS LIKE AND I LOVE IT. 10:50 a.m. I just finished walking for 20 minutes, incline 8 at 3.8 speed. I've done this for the last three days and it has been hard for me. But for some reason, today was easier but at the same time the hardest day yet. I guess what I am meaning is that physically I was able to get through it but mentally, I barely made it. I think it must be because I feel obligated to keep doing the same thing and even though my body is getting strong enough to push through it each day, I feel that if I stop I will have failed. Between the physical strain and mental doubt that was occuring, I was transported back to the days where health was all that mattered to me. I remember being on the treadmill jogging in high school and recall feeling my body tell me to stop or slow down but instead I would keep going until the point of crying or I would stop and hate myself for the rest of the day. Either way I would cry. Thats how extreme I was. I also recall doing taebo in the living room and remember having to start over if I messed up. If I missed a kick I would start over and do every kick again. There were days that my body couldn't bear it being that I wouldn't miss a day and that I am human, but I would still make my self do it and I would cry the whole way thru. After I had Pearce I started doing a Jillian Michaels DVD and the same thing would happen. This is something I knew wasn't right, but I kept doing it because at the time "it made me feel loved, accepted and people were proud of me". I am trying to run after that young girl to tell her none of what she believed was even true. That is my goal here. 5:20 p.m. I felt it much easier to have compassion and love for Pearce and Parx today. Pearce's cousin came over and they fought and whined just like little boys do, and I just rolled with it. Normally it would give me anxiety. 9:00 p.m. Tanner and Pearce left so I panicked after dinner. It's just one of those nights where I am afraid of not getting enough. So I finished Pearce's burrito and my mind kind of went bazurk over that because I promised myself I wouldn't eat cheese. So this is me redirecting my self back to what is most important, and that is the fact that I am not deprived - I have Jesus Christ and my family to live for. That being said, there is mass confusion in my brain right now and I feel like I need to go to the kitchen to compensate for what I might lose out on. That probably doesn't make sense. I better go to bed.