I'm back...

The results of my blood tests came back and it's been diagnosed that my blood sugar tends to be low. Which explains the frequent dizzy spells, shakiness and irrability. Also the doctor told me that I have high Uric acid built up in my liver which contributes to major inflammation inside your body. That which I know I have because of my rickety joints, aching muscles/feet and rashes. So what do I do with this? Well, I guess I research the crap out of it all to try to get feeling better. I am 23. My life is worth living to the fullest. But it's going to take work. I want to say I have what it takes to be fully committed, but I really don't know. For now, I am just going to try to make better food choices today and listen to my body when it's begging for rest. Because a huge component of beating adrenal fatigue and hypoglycemia is managing your stress and getting adequate down time throughout the day. This is a hard thing for me with two little boys and an overly desperate need to do my job as perfectly as possible, but I know my expectations of myself are unhealthy and quite frankly, UNREALISTIC, so it's time to find balance. It's time to let go of trying to control everything around me.

It's been over a year since I have posted anything!

So after a year of not posting anything, unfortunately my first post isn't reporting about how I have changed my life forever and how liberated I feel. I'm actually just back at square one. As negative as that may sound, truthfully, I really am content with my life. I have learned a lot and continue to get a better grasp on life..... Except for the department of food. Darn it. I'm so ready to just be done with this life style,but for some reason haven't chose to give it up yet. I actually do have something good to report about it! Now that I think about! I went 6 weeks without binge eating which is crazy for me because normally I can't get past a week...... Or a day.... Which is the case right now :/ Haha I'm just realizing that I'm tired of these habits that I have acquired over the course of so many years. At the end of all of this, I hope to say that I grew out of it all; and that I'm am too busy doing wonderful, fulfilling things for my self and my family. That's what I hope.

Ah Ha!

I think sometimes all a person needs is for someone to have confidence enough to say, "IT WILL ALL BE OK" ...... I think that is why we are here. To feed off of all that is positive, to engage in all that is good and to lift each other up when we stumble. And eventually we get to a point where we have a realization of confidence in the Divine and can testify that "IT WILL ALL BE OK" ........ Because you know what? IT WILL :) No matter what.

The Jesus Statue

I sat to unwind as they ran in circles. How was I going to make it thru the rest of this 24 hour increment. Don't touch that please. Don't yell! I yelled. Don't eat that. Pick that up. Don't touch him. Deep breathes everybody for heavens sake. Hey come away from there we don't want to break anything I said as I rolled my eyes and hoped for another couple ounces of sanity before it was times up. What is that? There on the ground? Oh no....... I sighed. It's Jesus' hand. Wow. What am I supposed to feel here. I look over at Tanner and thought to my self, "How did that even happen? How did the focal point of my living room just get broke!" His eyes soften and he responded to my obvious mental crisis, "It's ok Emma, it was an accident". It wasn't the head of the statue or the base of the statue that broke off, it was a single hand. How many children were held by that hand, how many lepers were healed by that hand? This I will never know. But I do know that single hand wiped the blood and sweat from His brow as he saved me from my sins. Embrace this traumatized child and help love him. Please be my hands in this scenario and I will make up the difference. Please, Please, Please said the little white hand. Please.

What inspires you?

My little sister once asked me, during a low point in my life, "what inspires you Emma?". I don't recall what it is that I told her and with that said, it must not have been very inspirational. But I know now what I would have said and would have remembered. I am inspired by family. I am inspired by MY family. I am inspired by unconditional love. I'm inspired by the character of my family as a whole. For the longest time I felt we were all broken, infact sometimes I felt as though the word broken was tatooed on my forhead. But I know now that I can't believe everything that I think. Today is a good example of why I am so awe inspired by these folks. My sister and her kids were able to come down for the weekend to hangout and go watch our brother in the play "Oklahoma!" While we were at the play, little Kord smashed his fingers in the bathroom door and I couldn't help but absorb the helpless heart break that Strawberri was feeling as she held him wishing that she could take his pain away. She held him and rocked him and kissed him and whispered in his little ear how sorry she was that this happened to him. And I could see it in her eyes that if she could, she would rewind and let it happen to her instead, if it mean't that he wouldn't have to suffer. That is my sister. The level of compassion that she has for not only her own, but strangers as well, has healing properties. She is a genuine spirit that is doing what has been asked of us in this life and that is to love deeply. Then there is my brother. The yellow crayon in the all red crayon box ;) He never ceases to amaze me. Like this play for instance, this is the first he has ever been in and he was a natural. I truly mean that. When he puts his mind to something, he follows through and developes it. That is a rare quality. I respect him for daring to utilize the talents God has given him. As for Abby, she has a knack for creating beauty, meaning and the unspoken in her artwork. Abby has always had a colorful spirit. When I think of Abby growing up, I think "non-conformist". She always seems to put the possibility of judgment behind her and carries on knowing that what matters is between her and God. That is a quality that takes alot of time to form for most. Mom and dad... Mom and dad... what to say about them? In an eternal perspective, they agreed to be my lifeline while in this trial period on earth. And considering how easy it is these days to flee from that responsibility, I am truly grateful for that. I was granted a chance to learn and to grow on this earth and it was through them and The Father that it happened. In the midst of raising a family of my own, I realize the amount of blood, sweat and tears that it takes to keep everything up and running and it is exhausting! Hardwork. That is probably the first thing that comes to my mind when I think of my parents. I look at my dads dry, cracked, permanently stained hands and see dedication to life. Then I non-chalantly look at the posters of valuable information that my mom uses to exercise her brain and remember how hard it was for her to go back to school after the divorce, but she did anyway. She never backed down.

Daily Bread

As we traveled towards home from Salt Lake today, we got to Moab and inched closer and closer to entering back into reality and another Monday which is always a doozy. (For everyone!) I remember coming home from trips back in the day with my family and feeling "this". Whatever "this" is. I hate to say empty, but it is. I hate to say depressing, but it is. And I especially hate to say it's lonely, but it is. So as I stepped into my frigidly cold house tonight, exiting what was a very rewarding and warm-filled weekend with family,food and comfort, I absolutely panicked. What do I do now? I asked myself. Eat bread. lots of it. Hopefully I will be strengthened to eat the right kind of "bread" next time.

Hunger Games, Hunger Pangs

The depiction of appetite in this socialized world is propaganda to justify issues like abortion (as related to sex) and homosexuality inorder to sustain industries held together soley by just that - appetite. That being said, its nonexistence or even potential reduction is believed to threaten overall social livelyhood. The meaning of love has slowly been redefined since the beginning of what I believe established both the symbolic meaning and tangibility of life - The Atonement of Jesus Christ. The relationship between the force of love and humanity desperately gasps for air, as forces of conformity drag it down to the depths of the old and "out dated", trying to regain its grasp on the positive and dignified repurcussions of sacrafice rather than the slippery and temporary satisfaction of the appetite. That last sentence is illegal... sorry. haha So what of food? Churning my thoughts are. Eventually I will have no other choice but to dump them out so in the words of Arnold, "I'll be back." Don't forget the accent ;)